Before Getting the Ashes

June 10

Today I was able to travel during the day because of cloud cover so it wouldn't shred my tires as fast. Stressful as my life has become, I do still find gratitude in the little things. 

And then I drove on grated pavement, on a road under construction when I didn't have to, I purposely took the scenic route and thought, well- at least it wasnt grated pavement and the sun blasting on it the whole day!

Today has been a day full of fighting crying. The closer I get, the more aware I am that whatever I had left of her, can only be in my heart from now on. Which is fine, it's what she wanted and it's not the full amount of her ashes which are not in my care. 

She got a sunset drive today with me though. And that was truly special. 

In case anyone reading is wondering, no, her ashes are not in the seat. They have had to rest in unusual places when the car is parked, due to heat and humidity, etc. I did talk to her ashes for the first time today. Luckily no one answered!!! 

June 12

Today was a complete rollercoaster. I arrived, then had to turn around nearly an hour to search the graveyard my mom's parents were buried at for their grave, which I never did find but I did walk through the entire place. A couple times. Then, I made it back to her hometown, had no service almost at all while I was there and spent the night at an aunt's. My phone nearly died through the night because while I had a charger, I did not have a connector for a wall outlet and I forgot to put it on airplane mode, so it just searched for signal all night long. One of my aunt's friends had this awesome multi-doc charger that got me to about 40% though! Thank you <3 

June 14

Was able to travel during the day today, with plenty of cloud cover, cooler temperatures and rain. What a relief to the heat blast the weather has been. Covered a lot of ground today, though the rest of the trip will be slower. 

I haven't managed to get pictures to post of 2 more completed discloths and I have every intention of taking advantage of the much more comfortable weather for sleeping in tonight. 

I could have maybe put down more miles today and felt like I needed to but then I remembered I am not just doing this just to do it. I am doing this with purpose. 

In a very interesting dream last night, I answered a phone that wasn't ringing and was thanked. Dreams are such a curious part of rest. This trip with my mom's ashes is so long overdue. I am sad I didn't get to put her ashes where she wanted but I am also looking forward to where I will bring them. Though I am still undecided on the exact spot. There are a handful of places I am thinking of and I truly don't know which she will like best. I know which I will like best but this is not about me. It's for her. 

All I can do is try to make sure I don't miss what God wants from this point. It is really easy to mistake God's wishes for what we think is right in this life. 

And now for a night of sleep so good I forget where I am when I wake up in the morning!!

June 19

For this weekend, I will wait until the end of the weekend to post pictures of the dishcloths I knit so it will for sure be a surprise for the folks who will get them on Monday :D

I will take pictures before I hand them out, but won't post them until Monday night. I will keep updating this section though. 

And. I suspect I will wake up to a dead battery again tomorrow. .... 

June 21

Today flew by in the midst of intentional turmoil. Spent most of the day crying on and off though I still managed to knit 2.5 dishcloths and will get as far as I can on a 3rd. I definitely won't have enough for everyone at coffee hour but I'll drop this batch before they even get there anyway and send another batch next week, at which time I hopefully won't be fresh off a day full of tears. 

Folks sure do know how to make a bad day worse. Imagine if they invested all that energy in to doing better things with their lives, instead of playing hurt you more all the time?...

June 24

Nearly the entire day today, was used up on car trouble. Finished 1.5 dishcloths, hopefully pictures coming as soon as I finish the last half of the one I was working on before I was rescued today. 

My mechanic can't justify replacing the battery under warranty yet. Though if the battery won't hold charge in a few days, maybe. But for now, I have to just keep pushing through. The alternator is the bigger issue and I am not even getting that looked at yet. Plus some kind of technical glitch was what happened today, which then drained the battery entirely. 

My rescuer is going to have quite a collection of dishcloths. 

I said something similar to my best friend earlier today too, but to everyone who stands by me through thick and thin, good heavens thank you. For everyone, seen and unseen, watching the site for updates; for everyone who sees what an incredible opportunity Dishcloths For Donations really is; thank you. This is God's path for me, even though people would not change their minds. God will not let me down and one day, I am going to look back on the day it was all I could do to just keep knitting in between texts, watching my phone battery die while my car was already toastier than toasted and I will say to myself: "You kept knitting, even when you wanted to curl up in a ball and quit. Even when you were so stressed you couldn't count your stitches. Even when stress sweat poured off of you like you had sweat to spare. You. Kept. Knitting. Look how well that turned out for you." And it will. Jesus didn't die so I could be killed too. He died so I could live. 

June 27

Finished 3 more dishcloths today, though I won't post them until July 1, for Canada Day. 

Still no clue what to do with my mom's ashes. Not even a hint.

June 29

Today I completed the Canada Day Collection!! It's awesome!!!

I also managed a couple more normal dishcloths and yes, it is possible my hands will fall off. Almost all I did today, was knit after yesterday being already really hard on the hands. Tomorrow may have to be something of a rest day, but I did manage one more picture which I can post tonight still. 

I am really excited to post the Canada Day Collection!!!

July 2

Today was definitely more along the lines of that day of rest. Had a lovely birthday lunch and put myself to bed before the sun even dipped out. Thank heavens this heat is supposed to back off a bit. It will still be nearly 30 degrees after today but then cool off at night. 40 degrees with 30 at night is just too much. I never want to know how people living near the equator survive it. I can't say I enjoy winter much either. We have some 40 degrees difference in seasonal temperatures throughout the year. The body was not designed to withstand that year over year. 

The break from the heatwave will still be pretty hot; incomplete relief. 

I did manage one dishcloth today but since I took so much of this day to rest, I will just include today's dishcloth in tomorrow's pictures. 

Still no hint what to do about my mom's ashes but the box plays a nice tune I've listened to nearly every night. 

July 7

Today, no pictures but 2.5 cloths knitted. Sheltering at a friend's for a couple days so I can be near to the doctor if need be, get a haircut and maybe help my friend however I may be useful. 

And ooh she feeeddddd meeeee!!!! 

Refuge this time was necessary. I am lucky there are still people in this world who care enough to help me. Absolutely nobody in this position can be a good friend or maintain standards other people normalize when they are safe in life. 

Pictures of today's dishcloths will get posted sometime tomorrow. 

July 10

What a day! Narrowly food and fuel till tomorrow now. 

Still utterly down to the wire. Still at it. 

My hands nearly fell right off today, though one dishcloth had to be a little smaller because the yarn ball was going to run out!! Managed 4 dishcloths in one day. I didn't even come close to 50 dishcloths for the purple and navy blue but still got a lot. 

One dishcloth left and I can start the next batch of yarn. Unsure if I will start the first Special for Christmas ones, or if I will get a few more regular dishcloths together first.

As stressful as it is; wondering if I'll eat today or not (though hopefully that will soon be not an issue), it is really exciting watching this grow one dishcloth at a time!! 

God does not want to see me in destitution. The government does, God sure doesn't. 

July 14

Things are moving fast now!!! The website had a whole bunch of new views that weren't even me speaking of it!

I did have another dream I can't make any sense of yet and still nothing definitive about what to do with my mom's ashes. I wonder if God will wait until autumn to show me? 

Someone came up to me interested about what I was knitting today, I told the person about the site and they put a cash amount in my knitting bag. Previously, I had declined cash donations because of fear of places I have to stay, kicking me out but in this case, I made the exception. I also have to be very cautious not to carry cash on me, for safety. I appreciate the donation very very much, regardless. 

The more you have to spend on survival, the more survival costs- especially over prolonged periods of time. An example of this is; someone taking a vacation can often do it for $1000/person or less, for 2 weeks and it's usually "all inclusive." Someone renting a hotel for survival, can expect to pay $150-500/per night + the things they need. Another example; if you're out of toilet paper at home you have to pay the shelf price. If you can afford to get your toilet paper when it's on sale, you can save up to $200/year. The entire way the system is designed, is like that. That is how 2 people can earn the same amount and one falls further behind, one gains constantly. Physical earnings, in any job are only as useful as the cost of living and the cost of living varies drastically from one person to another, depending on circumstances. There is a meme that often circulates where a mother is telling her child to study better or the child will end up like that garbage truck driver and the meme bites back about how much the garbage truck driver earns. How many of those children will never have to rely on physical income for their survival in the first place. 

Folks often correct the phrase of money being the root of all evil but it's actually love of money being the root of all evil... Jesus had a treasurer when he walked the earth. God does not expect people to live in lack. The reason Jesus told the wealthy person to sell his things was to show the person that they loved materialism more than God. It was not ever to be used as an excuse to create, force or enforce, poverty. When Jesus flipped the tables, it was because the they used money to be oppressive. 

I have worked very hard through my life. Often worked more days in the week than there are, just to barely get by. No matter how hard I worked or earned, no matter how much I gave, there has always been more to take from me than I was making. When I say my entire life was stolen from me, there is so much more to it than just the eviction- devastating as it was and still is. 

I have utmost faith that yes, there is magnificent abundance waiting for me when I die; but I still have to live in the meantime. Time doesn't stop because poverty stole everything from me. In fact, time seems to slow down. I have even more faith that God will turn this around, more than I can even think of in my living life as well at this point too though: especially as folks try to make me accept less and less. 

Jesus did not die so I could be killed. He died so I could live. It is God's absolute greatest joy, to be able to turn things around; for the better. He can do more than we can ask or imagine. And He will. He already is. Amazing things are already starting to happen and it's going to be more than I can ask or imagine. Sure, folks who want to hold me down may well kill me before God shines in the way only He can, but- they will suffer eternity if they do that. Sin is not the same thing as steal/kill/destroy. 

July 18

Though I did try to get back to the truck stop yesterday, I got there and the air quality was still too smokey so I ended up back at my friend's for one more day, while she had company!! The air improved today and before the day was out, I did make it back to the truck stop. 

To the folks who stopped and chatted with me while on their own travel journey; I pray safe travels and adventures for you all and that where you are headed won't be at risk of wildfires right now. Be safe friends, thank you for caring!

Such amazing wonderful things are happening with this website!! I even got a little message of thank you from wildlife today.

God is so incredibly doing a new thing in my life and it is already making such a massive difference for so much more than just me!!! Right down to small gestures that are just me doing one small thing to not be wasteful. THAT is salt of the earth (don't get me wrong, people emptying trash cans loathe when I pull up).

So many people think being salt of the earth means being bitter and detestful, even I have interpreted it that way at times but when you experience a salt of the earth moment like that, suddenly you see the preservation aspect so much clearer.